What Kind of God Would You Be?

The illustrious Tom Foss of Dubito Ergo Sum has blessed us all with a meme of his own creation. He asks: What Kind of God Would You Be?

List at least four things that you'd do if you were God. Assume the same thing I did: you're omnipotent (do the logically impossible!) and whatever you do will work out fine with the laws of physics, such as they are.

I am become Bob, the almighty prankster God.

• The divinely inspired Word of Yours Truly will be translated by a semi-literate 12-year-old AOL user in an undeserved position of authority. "IN DA BGINNG WAS TEH WORD LOL!11!!1! AND DA WORD WAS WIT GOD AND DA WORD WAS GOD!1!!!1!11 OMG WTF!!1!1!"

• For the sake of posterity, articles of The One True Faith™ are to be painstakingly transcribed with disappearing ink.

• Musicians who are foolish enough to write a song about Me will be mocked by the voice of Satan in the heads of all their adoring fans. Playing the record forwards or backwards makes no difference.

• The Pope will smoke a lot of dope and sit on a throne made entirely of whoopee cushions.

• Terrorists who seek to glorify My Name by strapping explosives to their chests (the nerve of some people) will magically transform into human piñatas. Upon detonation their victims are instead showered with harmless biodegradable confetti and bombarded with delicious sugar-free treats.

• The Ark of the Covenant will be a can of peanut brittle.

• Rather than go to all the trouble of burying dinosaur fossils everywhere, like some lesser deity with an extraordinarily dark sense of humor, I would test the faith of My chosen people by scrawling "God wuz not here" on the bathroom wall.

• Evidence for any conspiracy of BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS will point directly to the source of its theory. Always one step ahead of themselves.

• Travel back in time, commit suicide, declare Myself dead. The look on Nietzsche's face? Priceless.

Please forgive Me. I did it for the lulz.